


L. L. Lazuli P.I. in: Two Dimes None The Richer

by Lick_Slick_V



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: (More tags will be added as they appear), Alcohol, Chasing, Choking, Cigarettes, Crying, Detective Noir, F/F, Fighting, Gun Violence, Murder, plot with porn to come
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-11-08 12:12:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11081337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lick_Slick_V/pseuds/Lick_Slick_V
Summary: Lapis Lauren Lazuli is a washed up Private Investigator who spends most of her nights asleep at her desk with a bottle of whiskey. It isn't until a knock at a door brings a dashing new client into her life along with a murder most foul. Lapis is then lead on an exploration of the dark depths of a crime filled city to find the truth behind the cover up.





	1. Thunder Only Happens When It's Raining

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome back. I know I've been gone for a while but that's because I've been busy trying to refine this story the best I can. It's something that I'm quite proud of and an unusual departure from my normal one shot porn fics. Not to say that there won't be fucking in this story it's just going to come later. In the mean time please enjoy and look forward to the up coming chapters of Two Dimes Non the Richer!
> 
> Check out my Tumblr: lickslickv.tumblr.com

**_Thud, Thud, Thud._ **

 

I groan... 

 

**_Thud, Thud, Thud._ **

 

My head still a haze

 

**_Thud, Thud, Thud._ **

 

Each knock on my door felt like a thunderous slam that rang out inside of my skull as if it were a church bell. Each knock on my office door was link another strike of the bell.

 

“Alright, alright. Cut it out, I’m coming.” I hack, dust loosening from my lungs. I realized that I had passed out at my desk again, not that it is a surprise. 

 

The hard wood of the chair always felt like a ship that kept me afloat, a ship in a bottle filled with scotch. Afloat the malted seas of which I drown myself in nightly. 

 

For once there was a shadow darkening my doorstep, a slender silhouette in the glass. Normally this wouldn’t be too odd except it’s been a long while since I’ve had any callers.

 

I crack the office door only to be met by a gorgeous woman. No way she could have been here for me, dressed way too nice to be here for me.

 

“If you’re looking for the bathroom, it’s down the hall,” my voice scratched against the dry air. 

 

This woman was elegant, dressed to the tens, and a far finer of a lady than I was use to seeing, especially around here. Her marble face, now carved in an expression of shock as she looked over my unkempt features. My hair was a mess from the desk nap I was awaken from, my dress shirt wrinkled and untucked, and bags under my eyes showed that I was not having the best of nights.

 

She finally spoke, “Um, are you Ms. Lazuli? The private investigator?”

 

“Oh a ‘Ms. Lazuli’ aren’t you making me feel fancy. Yeah, that’s me,” I reply, opening the door all the way. “What can I do ya for?” I inquired as I tried to spruce myself up on the fly. .

 

She wore a red dress that sparkled like a dying sun, yet her eyes were dark from the makeup that had ran. It was clear that she had been crying before coming here.

 

The woman had caught my eyes as they lingered, “Ahem, right. I’m glad I found you. As you see, I need your help.”

 

“ _ My _ help? Listen lady, you might have the wrong Lazuli after all. Nobody has needed my help in years,” I said as I turn away and head back to my desk, hiding some of the bottles behind the desk as I offer her a seat. 

 

“Well, though it may seem that way, I can assure you that you’re the one I’m looking for. You see  —  my wife, Rose  —  she was murdered.” And just like that there was a crack of lighting from outside the window.

 

“Oh... jeez, my condolences miss...”

 

“Quartz. Pearl Quartz. Thank you for your condolences, though I believe that they won’t be doing much good right now.”

 

“Well sure, but how do you think that I can help you, Ms. Quartz? Murders are usually something that the cops deal with.”

 

“Please just call me Pearl. As for the cops they can’t do anything, at least they aren’t going to even try. They’re saying that she was just caught up in a mugging gone wrong, and they can’t waste the time or resources looking for some petty mugger,” a tear started to roll down her cheek as she said this.

 

“They’ve done nothing  — n ot a thing no matter how much I beg them! They just say I’m crazy, that there’s nothing more to this!” She started to become more upset, her fist slamming into the table.

 

Her hand rested there on the table as she took in a deep breath to calm herself and regain composure. “It’s more than just a mugging, I know it. I don’t know how, but I just know that something like this wouldn’t just happen to my Rose. This was planned.” Her voice grew as unsteady as a band stand that wasn’t double bolted as she explained this to me.

 

I pinched the bridge of my nose and let out a sigh. “I mean… I just don’t know what I can do. I want to help, honestly. But this is just too far above my pay grade.” 

  
“If it’s about money that’s not a problem!”  
  


“Er, I think you misunderstand. I’m just… I just can’t help you.” I sighed, turning away from the glowing beauty, not wanting to see her look of disappointment. My eyes traveled out my office window, towards the dark night filled with city lights, rain, and flashes of lightning.

 

“Please...” Pearl whispered from her sunken head, “Amethyst told me  — s he told me that you would help me.” Her shoulders were slumped as she started to let tears flow from her down her cheeks.”

 

I turned to face her again, it was that name that drew my attention. “Did you just say Amethyst? Like as in Amethyst Juliano?” I asked.

 

“Yes, I believe so. Why does that matter?”

 

“Eh, we use to be a thing, but forget about it. I’ll take the case.” I reply.

 

“Wait you mean it?” Pearl asked her mood taking a turn for the better as she was showing a lot more excitement and a lot less tears.

 

“Yeah, yeah,” I reply, only to be caught off guard when she reached over the table and pulled me in for a hug.

It was awkward, for me at least. Hugs weren’t my thing, and my hands just kind of floated not sure if this was the kind of hug I was meant to return or not.

 

She let go of me, still beaming brighter than neon. “But don’t think this won’t cost ya.” I reminded.

 

“Like I said, money is a non-issue. I’m just relieved that someone is out there. Looking out for Rose... for me,” Pearl replied as her hand rested on mine. 

 

She lingered on that before she took her hand back to bring out a card with her info on it and handed it to me. “Call me if you find anything,” she called over her shoulder, and like that she was gone.

 

“Huh, must be a March gal, In like a lion out like a lamb.” I chuckle to myself, taking a seat at my desk once more. Though instead of my regular whiskey nap, I had a job to get ready for.

 

I grabbed the usual. Wallet, lighter, cigs, flask, pocket knife. Though I mulled over whether or not I should bring it. My eyes were fixed to the top drawer of my desk, the latch had been locked for a while now, touched only by time. I shook the thoughts of them away and unlocked the shelves. 

 

All that was inside was a holster, a box of ammo, and a revolver that was black than a pit. I could feel its emotional weight as I lifted it from the drawer. I hated this gun, I hate how it looked darker than the night sky in a big city. I hated how it felt like a physical manifestation of the pit inside of my chest.

 

Stuffing away the unwanted memories, I loaded the gun and slid it into its hip holster. I grabbed my dark navy suit jacket and hat before heading out to greet the old rainy city and meet with an old friend.

 

The street was quiet all but for the rain that pattered against the cold concrete. Dim lights illuminated my way as I passed sleeping apartments. It didn’t take long before I found myself climbing the steps to the police precinct.

 

The large doors swung open as I passed through, into the pig pen. I was immediately greeted by the desk sergeant.

 

“Pretty late ain’t it?” they stated as they cocked an eye at me as I entered.

 

“Sure is,” I coldly reply.

 

“Well, what can I do for you, ma’am?”

 

Wow, another formality, must be something about my hair. 

 

“I’m here to see officer Juliano. Amethyst Juliano if that wasn’t clear  — is she here? ” I queried as the Sergeant gave me a skeptical look.

 

“May I ask who wants to know?” they replied.

 

“An old friend.”

 

Truth be told Ames and I were more than just old friends, but they didn’t need to know that. All they needed to do was stop being so nosey and just go get her.

 

My stare down must have worked because eventually they broke away and said, “Yeah, just wait here. I’ll get her.” He walked off and I was left to just sit down and light up a cigarette.

 

It felt like damn hours had passed while I waited. I went through two cigarettes before I saw the long, flowing mane of lady I was looking for. Her hair always looked like an unkempt wild mane of tangled spirits, whiter than snow as it swarmed her person. 

 

“Hey,” I called out in her direction as I put out the cig and stood up.

 

“Hey Lapis!” she bellowed in her usual bravado. She was always so loud, so rambunctious. I loved that about her, and the way that it would make up for the energy I usually lacked. 

 

I soon found myself in another hug, confused as to what to do and feeling weird. Thankfully, Ame was quick to remember my space and ended it pretty fast. “Heh, sorry. Guess things are still a little weird,” she coughed. She really wasn’t much for subtlety as her words sucked the air out of the room and my chest.

 

We both paused there as time stood still. I could feel the subtle look of pain painted on my face, as it soon reflected in Amethyst’s one visible eye.

 

“Uh, so what brings you on down to the station Lapis? Everything alright?” Amethyst asked. I shook my head free of the thought, “Oh... um, yeah, no  —  everything’s fine. I’m just on a job is all and needed to follow up with you on something.”

 

“Woah-ho look at you! I take it the PI business is picking up again if you’ve got a job bringing you here. Is it about that Pearl woman?” she asked clearly knowing that she was the one that tossed me a bone. My stomached turned.

 

“Yeah it’s about that. Why did you send me a murder case like this Amethyst?” I asked, feeling my brow furrow without my permission.

 

“Listen I just thought you could use a little work. Heh, not like there’s anything there, it’s just a mugging gone wrong. We don’t really have the manpower to handle something so small anyways,” Amethyst replied, but something seemed off. She seemed a lot more nervous than she was a few moments ago.

 

“Okay, be honest. What’s up with this case? You and I both know that there is more to this than that, why are you not handling this?” I demanded, starting to grow frustrated with this cop bullshit.

 

“I-I am being honest Lapis, that’s all there is to it. Now just go and try to dig up some dirt or something. Looks like you could use the money,” the cop side of her replied as she turned her back to me and started to walk away.

 

“Don’t you bullshit me Amethyst!” I shouted, catching the attention of the desk sergeant. I strode up to Amethyst and whipped her around to look me in the eyes this time.

 

“Listen! There is a devastated widow out there who needs help, and you sent her for me for that and I’m going to be damned if I don’t at least try. Where’s your heart, Amethyst? Did you lose it in a box of doughnuts?!” I accused growing more frustrated with her by the moment. After all she’s put me through, I’ll be damned if she thinks she can just drop this on my door and not help. 

 

“What do you want me to do huh? I don’t even know anything and if I did and told you, the chief would have my badge, so just drop it.”

 

“I’m not dropping anything. What is this really about? Do you really care that much about keeping your job? What happened to the Amethyst that I knew that would actually give half a rat’s ass for justice?”

 

“What do  _ you _ know about justice?! All you are is a dumb drunk that I felt sorry for. I didn’t ask for this kind of trouble, and I’m not going to deal with your attitude. I thought you’d appreciate this favor, but I guess not so why don’t you just walk out of those doors like you walked out of my life,” Amethyst bit back. The teeth of her remarks sunk deep as I held back a tear.

 

“What happened to you Amethyst… I can’t even recognize you anymore.” I replied as I tried to keep steady. I sniffed back a tear while heading out of the large doors of the precinct and into the rain. 

 

I started on my way to the bar, flipping the collar of the coat up as I became more soaked from the rain fall. It had been coming down harder, more deafening than before. 

 

The rain didn’t stop me from hearing someone call out from behind me. It was muffled, but I could hear my name being cried out.

 

I turned around the see the squat officer running down the slick street after me. “Wait, Lapis!” Amethyst yelled in my direction.

 

By the time she caught up with me, she was as soaked as I was. “Lapis… I’m sorry. I said some really mean things back there, and I didn’t mean them,” she said, panting as she caught her breath.

 

I just stared at her apathetically. 

 

“Please just… people change Lapis. You’re right I’ve changed, but you’ve changed too.”

 

“Tch,” was all I could muster.

 

“Listen, I’m sorry this just happens. That’s life, but you’re right. I can’t recognize myself anymore, and I’ve forgotten how to be me. I just hope that this can help not only you, but myself too,” she lamented as she pulled a plastic evidence bag from her coat pocket.

 

“What is this?” I asked as I took the bag and looked over the contents. There were two dimes in the bag, both with what looked to be a diamond punched out of them. 

 

Amethyst told me how they were the only evidence found at the scene of the crime, both were over Rose’s eyes. “But I thought this was a ‘mugging’ why did they leave a calling card like this, why aren’t the cops looking into this?!”

 

“It’s all I can do right now. I’m sorry Lapis. I’m still a cop, and there are some strings being pulled, but I know it’s not right. So just do what you can, for all of us.” Amethyst said, looking unusually somber.

 

“Thanks… I’ll see what I can do,” I say as I stuffed the evidence into my coat pocket.

 

“Yeah, for sure. Just… try not to get killed out there. Please?”

 

“No promises,” I smirk and wink at her to which I hear her groan. We leave it at that as we part.

 

At least I finally had a lead under my belt, and there was only one place that

could go for this kind of help...


	2. Players Only Love You When They're Playing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is chapter 2 of an ongoing tail of murder in a rainy city staring Private Investigator Lapis Lauren Lazuli.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for coming back for Chapter 2, I hope to continue to put out the chapters as the weeks go on and try to keep a more regular schedule with release dates. Comments on the last chapter have been really sweet and I appreciate it! 
> 
> Follow my tumblr and keep up to date at: lickslickv.tumblr.com

I wasn’t always a PI, I actually used to be on the force with Amethyst. It came with perks especially with regards to following leads, but after I was forced to turn in my gun and badge for insubordination they’ve been… less than friendly, to say the least.

At the very least it’s taught me to be creative when it comes to chasing down more info on my cases. So I started to make my way down the rainy streets to a local bar, the Lion’s Den.

Over the years this has become my favorite place to put my ear to the ground, plus they pour well so nothing to complain about there. The rain made the trip a chore, and I didn’t realize just how wet I had gotten until I reached into my pockets for my lighter and found nothing but water.

Just as I was emptying my pockets I heard a voice call out to my from behind the bar. “Well if it isn’t Lapis Lazuli! Haven’t seen you ‘round lately.”  
It was Steven, bartender and owner of this joint. He was polishing a glass with a rag and putting it down at my usual spot on the bar.  
“You seem a bit damp, what beach did you just wash up on.” He chuckled remarking at my soggy state.  
“Yeah well you should’ve seen the other guy” I snarked  
“Uh, I don’t get it.”  
“Hmm yeah, neither do I.” I reply with a sigh as I took a seat at the bar.  
“So what will it be?”  
“My usual.”  
“You got it. One PI special” Steven chirped as he went to work.

I took in the sight of the near empty bar, taking note of the patrons. Surprising enough I didn’t recognize any of them, normally there would at least be one of the usual bar flies.  
There was some punk with gauged ears sitting with a gorgeous, blond bombshell who was way too good for him, a gigantic woman with long white hair covered with a cabby hat, and a couple of ladies clearly on a date over in the corner - they looked very cute too.  
“Here’s your drink.” Steven passed off a pint glass filled to the brim with whiskey, “Enjoy!”  
This was why I always came back to this place. Name me one other bar in this city that will just serve you a straight pint of whiskey. I took a swig of my drink and lit a soggy cigarette as I tried to dry off.

“So really, what brings you in?” Steven asked leaning on the counter.  
“Well seeing as how you ask.” I replied bringing out the baggie with the two coins, “Have you seen these before?”  
“Oh no, I already told Lars that we don’t take funny money like that. Least not ones that have holes in ‘em.” Steven replied in a weary tone.  
“What? No, they’re part of a case I’m working. You know something about them?” I prodded, my detective senses perking up.  
“Yeah Lars over there with the big ears tried to pay with a bunch of dimes like that. Can’t say I know anything else about them, sorry.”  
“No sorries needed, you helped a lot.” I replied before thanking Steven.

I paid and finished my drink before I took the coins back and approached Lars. “Hey you!” I called out as Lars looked around behind him thinking, hoping that I was talking to someone else before pointing to himself.  
“Yes you, you’re Lars right?” I asked as I pull up a seat.  
“Yeah, what’s it to you?” He bit back.  
“Well I hear that you’re the man to talk to about getting some more info on these!” I say as I hold up the baggie with the two diamond dimes.  
“Shit!” He cussed as he bolted from his chair, shoving me over, as he made way for the exit.

I cussed as I busted out the door chasing after him. Standing on the sidewalk I saw him bolt down an alley to my left. I sprinted after him down the dark alley, rain puddles splashing from the impact of our feet.

The desperate panting of the guilty party guided my way as I hunted him down the twisting alleyways. “Will you just -huff- stop already?!” I called out, to which he responded by knocking some trash cans in my way, figures.

Like a world class hurdler I leaped over the cans, and just before I could pat myself on the back for such an amazing leap I slammed right into the next turn of the alley. I groaned as I peeled myself off the wall and picked up the chase again.

“Come on. Come on, come on!” I chanted to myself, pushing my body, as I felt my lungs start to burn all over some punk that might not even have any information at all. 

Lars turned back towards me only to yelp as he saw the fury that was building in my eyes. He tried to pick up his pace but was a little to distracted by what was behind him, and didn’t give the path ahead the attention it needed. Well if he wanted to run himself into the wall ahead, I sure wasn’t going to stop him. Just like that by the time he turned his eyes forward all he could see was brick as he smacked against the stone, landing his ass onto the wet pavement.

“Where do you think you’re going?” I ask as I gripped him by the collar as he started to scramble up off of the floor. I brought the light weight up to his feet and pressed his back against the wall that he had just ran into, our exhausted pants echoed off of the stone in the alley way.  
“Alright pal. Tell me what you know about these coins or you’ll be dealing with a lot worse than a busted nose” I barked as the boy winced, putting his hands up, “I don’t know nothing! Honest! Just let me go.”  
“Quit jerking me around!” I spat as my hand drew back and came down hard against the side of his face.  
“Did you just slap me?”  
“Yeah, I did! Now tell me about the coins!”  
“I just found them!”  
“Yeah no duh, where did you find them, genius?” I asked pressing him back against the wall.  
“I said I don’t know!” He protested again.

I was getting sick of having to deal with this punk. My clothes were soaked my lungs burned, my body sore. None of this was helping me keep my temper as I was probably in the most uncomfortable situation I could be in right now. 

Lars started to struggle more against my grip before he finally spat, “ugh just let go of me you dumb, dyke!”  
I went calm at that point. Before I knew what was happening I had my hand gripped in his hair as I cracked his head against the wall behind him. He started to slump to the ground as I began to pummel his face giving him three solid clocks of my fist.  
“Spit it out dirt bag!” I yelled as I wound my fist back, but before I struck him again he cried out “Stop!”  
“Then you better start talking!” I said, fist still raised.  
“I got the coins”, he hacked, “off of the desk of my boss. I didn’t think they were anything, just dimes. I didn’t want all this trouble.” He cried out.  
“Mhmm, and just who are your bosses?” I asked standing over his body.  
“I work for bl-” but before Lars could finish that sentence I was sucker punched by what must have been a brick. No fist could be that big.

I stumbled, off kilter from the blunt force, head ringing as I tried to right myself. My vision cleared to the sight of the massive woman from the bar, the one with the cabbie hat. She growled at me and cracked her knuckles, stepping closer. “Apparently a nosey PI needs to learn to keep her nose out of other people’s business.” She snarled closing the distance between us in a slow, menacing pace.

She was huge, practically three times my size. A fight was out of the question and my options were running out. I was backpedaling as she came closer, knowing that she had the advantage here. The woman didn’t look like she was scared, but I couldn’t hide my own fear. 

My choices were slim, and I needed my gun, but my hand wouldn’t move. It wouldn’t just reach into the holster and pull it out no matter how much I yelled at myself to do so. I just stood there like an idiot and before I even realized it the woman had closed the distance, and socked me in the gut knocking the wind out of me as I crumpled on the ground. 

This bruiser loomed over me with a sickening grin. My body was still hunched over as I tried to plan my next move, my hands trying their hardest to budge. “Normally I wouldn’t take much pleasure in beating up someone who doesn’t put up a fight, but the Boss gets what the Boss wants. I’m sure you know how it is,” she taunted as she reached for my body. As I faced her the woman’s massive hand lurched forward and throttled my throat as she lifted me off the ground. 

My legs kicked in the air as I flailed. Most of the air was already out of my lungs by the time she had me strung up in her grasp. I struggled, I was starting to lose consciousness. My hands tried to pull the practical vice that was around my neck off as I fought for my life. 

She just stood there and laughed, mocking me and the fact that she was just that stronger than me. “You really are pathetic you know. Weak, tiny. Worst of all this could have been all avoided if you hadn’t been such a monkey wrench.” She gloated.

I couldn’t believe that this goon was monologuing to me, while I was dying and the air was being wrung from my body. I tried to focus, to calm myself as I did when I had to. “Wow you’re really hanging in there huh? Normally you wo-” but before she could finish that thought there was a crack in the air.

There was smoke pouring out of the barrel of my gun. I managed to pull it out at the last minute and squeezed a single shot off, drilling a bullet right into the brute’s shoulder. She let out a wail that quickly followed after the initial crack, her hand let go of my neck and I landed on the ground with a thud, gasping for air.  
“You shot me! You really fucking shot me!” She yelled as she started to approach me, holding her shoulder. 

I couldn’t say anything only gasp for air as I continued to hold my gun out in front of me, and as she approached I only grew more scared and without thought or purpose my finger squeezed the trigger. I launched 3 more shots into the alley wall, missing the muscle bound woman. She winced at the shots and turned tail, knowing that her life wasn’t worth my ass. 

The danger that the hired muscle presented was gone. I was still out of breath, my body sore and aching as the adrenaline dissipated in my body and I rested on the cold alley ground. I could feel my vision going blurry as I stared at the dark sky, raindrops pelting my head as I tried to stay awake, but maybe it wouldn’t hurt to just rest for a little bit...


End file.
